How have I continued to grow into how to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the right things?

After last week’s email and update about my new role with the Archdiocese of Mbarara Foundation, a former pastor and beloved priest friend of ours, Father Larry, sent me a note…

“I couldn’t help but remember what I had told you in my office years ago that you had one flaw. You didn’t and can’t find a way to say no.”

I smiled when I received that. I always smile when I receive Father’s notes, but this one warmed my heart.

Father Larry was a wonderful pastor and mentor as I grew into adulthood, got married, and started a family. He had been a VP of Sales in a large tech company, raised a faith-filled family with his wife Barbara, was active in the church with her and the family, and then later entered the priesthood as a second vocation after she passed away.

He was our pastor, he helped Suzanne and I prepare for marriage. And I worked for him as music director in the parish, and as the president (and later a member) of the parish pastoral council, among other roles and ministries.

Sage Advice, Years Ago

It was close to twenty years ago.

I don’t remember the exact scenario – there were plenty of opportunities – but after one of the many times that I had said “yes” to helping with something else around the parish, my pastor at the time, and the pastor of the parish across town with whom we were partnering on many ministries and initiatives, pulled me aside.

They were concerned that I kept saying “yes” to and taking on too much.

They had good advice and feedback, rooted in their own journey with the same challenge.

The biggest takeaway I got from them was this:

When someone asks you to commit to something, simply say, “I can’t say for sure right now. Give me a day or two to think about it. I’ll get back to you…”

Give yourself time, and give the person asking a fair expectation of when you’ll say “yes” or “no”.

Then spend the time really contemplating the commitment, whether you can take it on, and whether it falls in line with your priorities.

If it’s a BIG commitment, involve your spouse, significant other, or family into the consideration.

How I’ve Grown in This

I was grateful to be able to reply to Father to let him know that this recent “Yes” was the result of following that process.

In fact, a few weeks before the dinner night at our house, one of the priests had asked me to consider the role.

I had already taken it to prayer many times over those weeks, and talked with Suzanne about it.

We were still on the fence, but were leaning towards helping in some way.

As we sat discussing the need after dinner last week, it became apparent that this was something we could say “Yes” to together, and that I’d have her support in taking it on.

And it was after a deep rootedness in prayer and careful contemplation.

That’s Where I’ve Grown

That’s where I’ve grown. Not only do I buy myself time before committing either way, I’ve grown a solid muscle of taking it to prayer.

Each day, when I make a Holy Hour in prayer and contemplation, I take these commitments to prayer.

For the existing commitments, I pray:

• How do I continue to do well?
• What do I need to do next?
• How do I bring more of what I can uniquely bring?
• Who else can I engage to help with other aspects?

For new commitments, I pray:

• Does this align with the priorities and the vision that Suzanne and I have set for our next 10+ years?
• Is this something that I can uniquely help with, with my God-given strengths?
• How long is the commitment for? What boundaries can I set around it, or do I need to set around it?
• How do I ensure I set the right expectations?
• Who else in my network could help? Does this help me grow my existing relationships and help others grow with me?
• Does this challenge me and help me grow in some new way?
• Can I honestly take this on while still maintaining my priorities to Suzanne, the boys, my work, and my parish assignment as deacon?

Most days, my Holy Hour is early in the morning. On Sundays, it’s in the evening during Adoration at our parish.

That’s precious time to converse with God for guidance on these big and little commitments.

Sometimes, this discernment takes weeks.

The key is: If I continue to sense a pull towards moving forward, I’ll keep exploring and taking steps in that direction.

If I start to feel otherwise, or it feels conflicted, it’s a good sign that it’s not a good time for me to commit to it at that time.

One More Thing: Letting Things Go

In order to discern new areas to lean in and serve, it’s also important to let go of areas where you’ve done all you can, or where your unique strengths aren’t needed any more.

Paring down or commitments – knowing when to step back, and how to gracefully do so – is equally important.

Prayer is also helpful for this, especially the practice of a daily Examen.

In a daily Examen, one can also spend time reflecting upon the work and the moments of the day, and where moments of desolation are starting to set in. This becomes a good leaping point for discerning whether something you’re doing is something you should continue doing.

Sometimes this helps you understand when it’s time to let something go.

A great example of this for me in the last few months is the design and layout of our parish’s weekly bulletin. A few years ago, when we started to self-publish a more custom and beautiful layout with more robust contents, I led the effort. I continued that for more than a couple of years.

But we knew that in time we wanted to hand that off to our parish secretary. I resisted it for a while. We also tried a few times, but it didn’t quite fit into his workflow or skillset.

Finally, through weeks of prayer, I continued to realize that the weekly bulletin was causing me continued desolation. As much as I loved doing it – and knowing that I was helping – I knew it was time to hand it off.

Remarkably, the transition was the right time and happened just fine. My friend, our parish secretary, also commented within a few weeks that he appreciated how it was pushing him and giving him new benefits and growth.

Sometimes, it’s the art of intentionally letting things go that allows us the space to say “yes” to new things that need our unique time and talents.

In the Spirit

I am grateful to have developed this muscle through the years.

I’m still not perfect at it, but it works most of the time, and continues to serve me well.

At the end of the day, trusting and taking this discernment to prayer is a way of remaining open to the Holy Spirit’s insights and guidance on this journey of life and service.

I know that, and it’s why I smiled when I read the next part of Father Larry’s email last week:

“I don’t know how you do it, but you are truly injected with the very spirit of Jesus himself. I love you for it.”

All of us as the Baptized have that Holy Spirit. All of us Confirmed have it in its fullness, firmed up within us to help us in this way, and then to give us the gifts we need to succeed in these endeavors.

And when we truly lean into that, and live in it, we love each other for it!

We give all that we can, our best, with our own unique God-given talents and strengths.

And that’s one piece of how the Body of Christ works.

Thanks be to God!

Tips & Tools from Elsewhere

Father Mary Mary, CFR, one of my favorite confessors, on Ascension Presents: How to Discern Pretty Much Anything.

USCCB: Discernment Tools (focused on vocation discernment).

Word on Fire: Discernment is Not About Choice.

Ignatian Spirituality: The Daily Examen.

Hallow: How to Pray the Daily Examen.