How have I continued to grow into how to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the right things?

After last week’s email and update about my new role with the Archdiocese of Mbarara Foundation, a former pastor and beloved priest friend of ours, Father Larry, sent me a note…

“I couldn’t help but remember what I had told you in my office years ago that you had one flaw. You didn’t and can’t find a way to say no.”

I smiled when I received that. I always smile when I receive Father’s notes, but this one warmed my heart.

Father Larry was a wonderful pastor and mentor as I grew into adulthood, got married, and started a family. He had been a VP of Sales in a large tech company, raised a faith-filled family with his wife Barbara, was active in the church with her and the family, and then later entered the priesthood as a second vocation after she passed away.

He was our pastor, he helped Suzanne and I prepare for marriage. And I worked for him as music director in the parish, and as the president (and later a member) of the parish pastoral council, among other roles and ministries.

Sage Advice, Years Ago

It was close to twenty years ago.

I don’t remember the exact scenario – there were plenty of opportunities – but after one of the many times that I had said “yes” to helping with something else around the parish, my pastor at the time, and the pastor of the parish across town with whom we were partnering on many ministries and initiatives, pulled me aside.

They were concerned that I kept saying “yes” to and taking on too much.

They had good advice and feedback, rooted in their own journey with the same challenge.

The biggest takeaway I got from them was this:

When someone asks you to commit to something, simply say, “I can’t say for sure right now. Give me a day or two to think about it. I’ll get back to you…”

Give yourself time, and give the person asking a fair expectation of when you’ll say “yes” or “no”.

Then spend the time really contemplating the commitment, whether you can take it on, and whether it falls in line with your priorities.

If it’s a BIG commitment, involve your spouse, significant other, or family into the consideration.

How I’ve Grown in This

I was grateful to be able to reply to Father to let him know that this recent “Yes” was the result of following that process.

In fact, a few weeks before the dinner night at our house, one of the priests had asked me to consider the role.

I had already taken it to prayer many times over those weeks, and talked with Suzanne about it.

We were still on the fence, but were leaning towards helping in some way.

As we sat discussing the need after dinner last week, it became apparent that this was something we could say “Yes” to together, and that I’d have her support in taking it on.

And it was after a deep rootedness in prayer and careful contemplation.

That’s Where I’ve Grown

That’s where I’ve grown. Not only do I buy myself time before committing either way, I’ve grown a solid muscle of taking it to prayer.

Each day, when I make a Holy Hour in prayer and contemplation, I take these commitments to prayer.

For the existing commitments, I pray:

• How do I continue to do well?
• What do I need to do next?
• How do I bring more of what I can uniquely bring?
• Who else can I engage to help with other aspects?

For new commitments, I pray:

• Does this align with the priorities and the vision that Suzanne and I have set for our next 10+ years?
• Is this something that I can uniquely help with, with my God-given strengths?
• How long is the commitment for? What boundaries can I set around it, or do I need to set around it?
• How do I ensure I set the right expectations?
• Who else in my network could help? Does this help me grow my existing relationships and help others grow with me?
• Does this challenge me and help me grow in some new way?
• Can I honestly take this on while still maintaining my priorities to Suzanne, the boys, my work, and my parish assignment as deacon?

Most days, my Holy Hour is early in the morning. On Sundays, it’s in the evening during Adoration at our parish.

That’s precious time to converse with God for guidance on these big and little commitments.

Sometimes, this discernment takes weeks.

The key is: If I continue to sense a pull towards moving forward, I’ll keep exploring and taking steps in that direction.

If I start to feel otherwise, or it feels conflicted, it’s a good sign that it’s not a good time for me to commit to it at that time.

One More Thing: Letting Things Go

In order to discern new areas to lean in and serve, it’s also important to let go of areas where you’ve done all you can, or where your unique strengths aren’t needed any more.

Paring down or commitments – knowing when to step back, and how to gracefully do so – is equally important.

Prayer is also helpful for this, especially the practice of a daily Examen.

In a daily Examen, one can also spend time reflecting upon the work and the moments of the day, and where moments of desolation are starting to set in. This becomes a good leaping point for discerning whether something you’re doing is something you should continue doing.

Sometimes this helps you understand when it’s time to let something go.

A great example of this for me in the last few months is the design and layout of our parish’s weekly bulletin. A few years ago, when we started to self-publish a more custom and beautiful layout with more robust contents, I led the effort. I continued that for more than a couple of years.

But we knew that in time we wanted to hand that off to our parish secretary. I resisted it for a while. We also tried a few times, but it didn’t quite fit into his workflow or skillset.

Finally, through weeks of prayer, I continued to realize that the weekly bulletin was causing me continued desolation. As much as I loved doing it – and knowing that I was helping – I knew it was time to hand it off.

Remarkably, the transition was the right time and happened just fine. My friend, our parish secretary, also commented within a few weeks that he appreciated how it was pushing him and giving him new benefits and growth.

Sometimes, it’s the art of intentionally letting things go that allows us the space to say “yes” to new things that need our unique time and talents.

In the Spirit

I am grateful to have developed this muscle through the years.

I’m still not perfect at it, but it works most of the time, and continues to serve me well.

At the end of the day, trusting and taking this discernment to prayer is a way of remaining open to the Holy Spirit’s insights and guidance on this journey of life and service.

I know that, and it’s why I smiled when I read the next part of Father Larry’s email last week:

“I don’t know how you do it, but you are truly injected with the very spirit of Jesus himself. I love you for it.”

All of us as the Baptized have that Holy Spirit. All of us Confirmed have it in its fullness, firmed up within us to help us in this way, and then to give us the gifts we need to succeed in these endeavors.

And when we truly lean into that, and live in it, we love each other for it!

We give all that we can, our best, with our own unique God-given talents and strengths.

And that’s one piece of how the Body of Christ works.

Thanks be to God!

Tips & Tools from Elsewhere

Father Mary Mary, CFR, one of my favorite confessors, on Ascension Presents: How to Discern Pretty Much Anything.

USCCB: Discernment Tools (focused on vocation discernment).

Word on Fire: Discernment is Not About Choice.

Ignatian Spirituality: The Daily Examen.

Hallow: How to Pray the Daily Examen.

We hosted dinner at our house on Friday. Suzanne made an amazing chicken with green beans and mashed potatoes.

Who came to dinner?

Four Ugandan priests (including our pastor & parochial vicar) and a couple friend of ours.

Originally, our pastor had asked if maybe we could host up to twenty, but as the invites all went out with less than a week’s notice, most people couldn’t come.

But the couple of friends and the four priests were there, and we had a wonderful dinner and conversation.

The real reason for the evening

The real reason was that the Archbishop of the Archdiocese of Mbarara in Uganda has given permission and asked for help in forming a Foundation here in the United States to help rally support and raise funds for key projects across the Archdiocese.

The permission was given and the process was started earlier this year. I was asked to sit on the Board of Directors, along with a few other friends here.

One of those friends got us started as the initial President, but needed to step down.

So the real reason for dinner was to try to convince Suzanne (or one of us) to step up and help lead the continued formation and the start of the work of the Foundation.

Who?

I say “to try to convince Suzanne” because we had signals leading into the night that that was the intent.

But we talked, and we knew that Suzanne’s skills to offer are more in the strengths she brings to her day job – helping organize an event or design an appeal.

As we sat and watched Father Charles, one of the priests, whose job is to help mobilize resources for the University the Archdiocese runs in Mbarara, present on the needs and the opportunity, I felt a tug and heard a whisper…

“You start things. This is what you do.”

And when the video presentation was zooming in on a photo of the University building, I heard, “This is going to be part of your legacy.”

Yes

Suzanne and I both agreed and said that I could be the person to help with this, and that we’d lean in together to assist.

So as our guests left dinner on Friday, I had been tapped (and said yes to being) the next President of the Foundation.

One of our other friends who was there at dinner joked with me on Sunday that I’m a bobblehead whose head only moves up and down. 🤣

But I think there’s something deeper and more meaningful behind this “Yes”.

More to come

We have some basic steps to complete, like securing 501(c)(3) status so that donations can be claimed as tax-deductible, and setting up basic digital properties, branding, and processes.

But in the coming weeks, as things take shape, I can’t wait to share more, and maybe even to ask you to help the people of Uganda.

Initial projects will likely include things like:

• Helping fund student support at the University
• A well for reliable water at the University
• Other wells and water needs around the Archdiocese, including at schools and medical centers
• Other physical needs at churches, schools, and medical centers
• A bus for the University
• And much, much more…

I’ll share more soon, but in the meantime, please – most importantly – start to join me in prayer for the mission of the Foundation supporting the Archdiocese of Mbarara and its people.

If you have ideas, I’m all ears!

How about a spiritual exercise helping you be more ready & open to evangelize?

Over the last few years, when I talk with someone who has undertaken a spiritual exercise on one of the apps or programs available, today they ask for a very specific thing next:

When will there be a program that helps us evangelize – to have conversations with others about our faith and extend them an invitation to join us?

A background & a pause

After leaving my year and a half stint at Exodus, I continued to wrestle with this question. I took it to my spiritual directors multiple times. I wrestled with a perceived call to help provide the answer to that question.

For a time, I worked on it slowly. Then I felt a very distinct direction to stop. It wasn’t time – not that I wasn’t supposed to do it – but it wasn’t the time.

Then I underwent a darker period, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, for nearly a year.

But late this Spring, the calling to pursue this became more clear, and it felt as though it were time.

Forming something new – ready to evangelize

While undertaking the crafting and writing of this thing – now called Emmaus 15 – I also started the process of forming a company to operate it. I also enlisted a couple of old friends & collaborators to serve on the board. We formed a corporation, set to work, and were granted 501(c)(3) status to operate as a non-profit entity.

And now it’s almost time for it to come alive.

Emmaus Disciples is a non-profit organization seeking to help Catholics deepen their faith and share it with others.

We will be launching this fall with Emmaus 15: An Exercise of Emmaus Disciples. It is a 15-week journey into a deeper relationship with Jesus and an understanding of how to invite others into a relationship with Him.

A spiritual exercise helping you be ready & open to evangelize.

Why 15 weeks? It has allowed for a good pattern and structure for the journey. Plus, the journey from Jerusalem to Emmaus was about 7 1/2 miles, and it was about 7 1/2 miles back.

So the 15 mile journey to Emmaus and back becomes a 15 week journey of prayer, reflection, and action for today’s faithful.

Be a part of this spiritual exercise

Sign up for more information as it becomes available.
Be on the list to be one of the first people to try Emmaus 15.

Share this with others who might be interested. It’s designed for each person to undertake the journey with another person (just as the two disciples did in the Gospel).

The initial soft launch (online only) will be on September 25… 57 days from today. We’re discussing also possibly making the exercise available next year in a book form with space for handwritten reflection and journaling.

Why September 25? It’s the Memorial of Saint Cleopas, the one disciple out of the two who made the journey to Emmaus with Jesus who is named in the Gospels.

Or make a tax-deductible donation to help us prepare to launch and spread the word about our work.

I’m grateful to have been gifted continued clarity on this journey. But there are also moments of knowing intensely that Satan does not want this to come to life.

If nothing else, please pray as we continue the journey of bringing Emmaus 15 & Emmaus Disciples to life.

Saint Cleopas, pray for us!

About a year ago, I embarked on the journey of running. I still wouldn’t call myself “a runner”. I would just say, “I run”.

My youngest son inspired it – he pushed us to start running together, partially as a way to do something together, and partially to help support me in a journey towards continuing to better my health. It has yielded both results, for which I’m grateful.

We have run more than a handful of 5K and longer racing events, which have been fun – from small, local fundraiser 5Ks with less than 50 people running, to massive RunDisney 10 Milers with tens of thousands of runners at Walt Disney World in Florida.

But we’re still not 100% consistent.

It’s actually a consistent joke in our house: “Are you guys actually running today or not?”

Some days are hard, some days are easy. But working towards the consistency is key, and a good goal. We’re working on it.

Just like so many other things in life, it just takes the conscious decision to get up and go. It takes putting one foot in front of the other.

We found that last week as we headed out on a hot, 90 degree St. Louis day with close to 100% humidity. It was a hot and sweaty run, but it was done!

Hot, sweaty, and done – one foot in front of the other.

What else in life takes this mindset and approach? Almost everything… work, relationships, leisure, taking care of home, raising family… Deepening our prayer life and relationship with God.

One step at a time.

Reflection: Father in Heaven, what are the areas of my life where I step back from opportunity or responsibility when it’s hard, or boring, or not as fulfilling as I had hoped? Help me understand the steps to take, and the path through difficulty. Give me strength and grace to always take the next steps.

Also: Speaking of running, I’m helping to lead bringing back the Royal Run 5K (& 1K Fun Run) at St. Elizabeth this fall. The event is a fundraiser towards our Centennial Capital Campaign. You can read more and register here. Or if you’re interested in volunteering in some way, contact me.